Thursday, September 26, 2002

Letting Peace Be

I've had an uncomfortable thought rattling around in my head this morning. For the past several weeks, I've been running through my life in stress mode, trying to juggle numerous projects, get the kids to their school functions on time, and so forth. It seems that "I don't have time!" has become my mantra. And although it's come upon me suddenly this time, this acceleration and stressed-out mindset isn't something new for me--I've been in this place many times before. This morning, in my journaling and prayer time, I suddenly thought, "Why won't I let myself have peace?" And I understood clearly that I have been choosing this lifestyle, maybe because it has some hidden benefit for me, and maybe because I don't know what my life would look like without it.

I have known people who seemed addicted to crisis...they go from one major problem to another, month to month and year to year. Being honest with myself, I have to admit that functioning in time-crisis mode is exciting--days are full, energy is high, and I feel that what I do is important and urgent. But I'm ready for something else, something kinder, a mindfulness and appreciation worthy of this gift of life. Can I learn to allow myself to have real, lasting peace in my life? Can I make choices that enable me to feel that time can be savoured and enjoyed not simply spent quickly--or promised away--before it arrives?

I'll say right now, to you, to God, and to myself: I'm sure ready to try.

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